Back Again

Wow! It's been quite a while since I have even visited this page, much less written. I have actually been trying for a few weeks to remember how to find it! I'm so glad I did. I love looking at the pictures and reading my thoughts, especially as I struggled through Ethan's death and the journey that put me on for the next few years. Since 2010, I have been extremely busy with work. I taught a resource English/Reading class, inclusion English, and was the Special Education Department Chair at our high school. I loved my job. It was such a wonderful opportunity for me, and it restored the confidence and strength in myself that I lost after Ethan's death. It was not easy, it was most definitely a journey, but I needed it to rebuild myself. Unfortunately, as goes with the military, my husband's job changed and we moved to an area that has an abundance of teachers due to school closings. Now I am staying at home and spending a lot of time volunteering at my son's school. Hopefully, I will have some time to visit and write, to preserve memories and thoughts.

It's Daddy!!

There is nothing like seeing your daddy after months of being apart!






We had the best time this week. It was a wonderful reunion and we made the most of each day, knowing it was going to end soon. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful husband and my boys couldn't ask for a better father. Thanks to all who have been praying for us.

We got home today and we will be back at the grindstone tomorrow. Two months down, five months to go before our next reunion.

Ethan's Grave

I don't get to go there very often. It is in my hometown, so I get to visit anytime that I go home. Each time, it is a brand new pulling off of the scab, so to speak because I don't get to go that often. On Sunday, before leaving Ellijay, I went by to see him and to see the flowers that I had ordered. When I got there, I found flowers strewn all over the place, his toys that the boys had bought him missing and a crap load of beer bottles all over the place. I was so angry. Words can really not even begin to describe the way that I felt at that moment. I can't even be very articulate here, I am still so upset. I called my parents and they said that they would come and clean it up. I needed to leave to get back home because I had to work and Jake had school. I only got about 40 minutes down the road before I turned around and came back. I needed to clean it. I knew that they would do it, but I needed to, and I needed to do right then, in the rain. It just couldn't wait. All I could think was that he was my baby and this was something that I could do for him.

But, Dear Lord, I was pissed. I still am, to be honest. I just do not understand the fascination with getting drunk/high/stoned/screwed in a grave yard. The little f@#!ers were lucky I didn't catch them.

blah

Have you ever had one of those days where nothing satisfied you? Well, I am having one of those days today. I am just dragging today. I didn't want to go to church, but I went. I'm glad that I went, it was the one part of the day that was actually satisfying. Lunch afterward stank. I can't decide if I want to join a gym. I thought that we would go for a drive and that would calm me and settle me. Nope, not at all. I just kept wondering how much longer before we were back home. My house is a wreck. I cannot seem to get organized. I was so excited thinking I would get to talk to Andy, but that's not worked out, either. There's really no purpose to this post other than to just vent. I'm just frustrated, worn out and beat down today. Praying for peace and for a renewed relationship with God right now.

Something Special

My boys are really missing their daddy. I am daily asked when he is coming home, if it is going to be just a few more weeks, if he will be home by their birthday. I have a shirt that Andy wore before he left that I haven't washed because it smells like him. Jake found it the other day and just buried his little nose in it. He asked me if there was something special he could do to be close to Andy, and I suggested sleeping in his shirts. They were so excited to be in their "Daddy Shirts." Now, they are also bathing in his Old Spice soap so that they smell like him. It has turned something that was really hard into something that is really special to them. Plus, bathtime isn't such a fight now because I have the "Daddy Soap" bribe. ;)

Deployments suck

I had forgotten just how difficult it can be to be the only parent at home. We have made it almost a month, just the boys and I. It is so lonely sometimes. When I am at work, the day seems to fly by and there is not enough time to get everything done. We have had snow day after snow day, though, and I am about to lose my mind. I have a lot to do at home, but all I can focus on is all the stuff I need to do for work that I am unable to do. Plus, I have a little too much time on my hands to just think. Too much thinking is NOT good for the soul in my case.

The boys seem to be handling this deployment alright. We are able to talk to Andy on Skype, so they are able to see Andy while they are talking to him. Such an amazing invention! Mama and I talked about seeing something like that on the "Future" ride at Disney and thinking how cool it was and that it was something we would never see. And now, here it is. It is nice to be able to have that connection.

Sometimes, it seems like it just happened

I lost my child today
People came to weep and cry
as I just sat and stared, dry eyed
They struggled to find words to say
to try and make the pain go away
I walked the floor in disbelief
I lost my child today.

I lost my child last month
Most of the people went away
Some still call and some still stay
I wait to wake up from this dream
This can't be real, I want to scream
Yet everything is locked inside
God, help me, I want to die
I lost my child last month.

I lost my child last year
Now people who had came, have gone
I sit and struggle all day long
to bear the pain so deep inside
And now my friends just question Why?
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song
Good heavens, it has been so long
I lost my child last year.

Time has not moved on for me
The numbness it has disappeared
My eyes have now cried many tears
I see the look upon your face
"She must move on and leave this place"
Yet I am trapped right here in time
The song’s the same, as is the rhyme
I lost my child.........today

--Netta Wilson, written in memory of her daughter Caprice Cara Wilson, who was killed in an auto accident (December 2, 1968 - November 20, 1994)