"Firsts"

My friend called me. The one I was pregnant with, the one who went into labor the same day as Ethan's funeral. She was excited because her little one had started to walk. How wonderful, really. And it is exciting, especially for a parent. But for me, it was a knife in the gut. Walking? Already? In my mind, he is an infant, a newborn. He will always be just that. How do I reconcile that image in my mind to one of a baby/toddler, who is sitting up and crawling and walking? His first birthday is coming up, and it is all starting to press in on me again. But now it is the "firsts" that he will not get to experience. I guess more that I will not get to experience, because I know that he is much safer and in such a more joyful place. And he is experiencing so many "firsts" before me. But I selfishly want to see those firsts. I feel an "It's Not Fair!!" tantrum coming on, and I had so hoped I was beyond those now.