Ethan

Today is the day I found out that Ethan was no longer alive. Andy bought me a pedicure for our anniversary and I had scheduled it for today. I went and got a really bright, gaudy pink; something that I could concentrate on while I was in labor. Andy and his parents took the boys to Jacksonville. I was so excited to just have a day where I could relax, read a book, do whatever I wanted. I realized around lunch that I hadn't felt him move. I went and ate some food that normally had him up and jumping. When he still didn't move, I called and went to labor and delivery. The entire way there I kept telling myself they were just going to send me home while being filled with such a feeling of trepidation. The shock and immediate black hole that I fell into when the doctor told me she was sorry I cannot even begin to describe. How did this happen? This still happens? I just kept repeating that in my head over and over. I kept praying that the doctor was an idiot who just didn't know how to read the machine. This year has been difficult, with many struggles. Why did God allow this to happen? I don't know. But I do know that He had the final say and I trust in Him. There will be a day when I will hold my baby again, but this time he'll be smiling and laughing. I can't wait.