I have been thinking about Ethan, the journey and the future. I realize that people may not know if talking about Ethan is alright. If it will upset me if you bring him up. The truth is I want to know that he is remembered. You can't 'remind' me of him, he is always in my thoughts. So, this is where I am on this journey....
I am almost two years into this journey. It does get better. The pain lessens. I think of Ethan with smiles of happiness. I am happy, honored and proud that he was mine. I am sad that he isn't with me now. There are still times that I cry. I don't cry all day, I don't cry everyday, but I do still cry. It is hard for me to visit his grave. Since I don't live where he is buried, it is a fresh wound every time I go.
I think of him everyday. EVERY SINGLE DAY. There is not a day and will probably never be a day where he is not a thought that I have, a beat of my heart, a breath that I breathe. Does it hurt every time I think of him. No. Does it hurt sometimes? Absolutely. Sometimes I think of him and I'm happy. I'll remember something that he did while he was still with me, or a character trait he had, and I smile. How he jumped around and kicked but would calm down immediately if Andy put his hand on my belly. Other times I think how it would be different if he were here. We were roasting marsh mellows the other day and I was able to just sit and relax, knowing my children knew not to get too near the fire. The thought came to me that if Ethan were there, I would need to be much more vigilant. Other times the sadness and despair is enough to knock me to my knees. When I see a child who is his age and I realize how much I've missed, how much I will always miss because he is not here.
So, that's where I am. There are still days that I hurt almost unbearably. But for the most part, I have come to a sort of peace. Not an understanding...one day that will come, but it won't be in this lifetime. But peace and acceptance is here. And happiness. Happiness is here again, joy is here again. And if you want to talk about Ethan, want to mention his name, please do. It just brings me joy to know he is remembered and loved.
4 comments:
Allie,
That's all we really want, right? For our babies to be remembered! If we can't have them with us physically, we want them to be remembered for the precious souls they were and always will be in our hearts.
So glad to see a post from you. Remembering Ethan with you today...
Love,
Tonya
I am glad that you posted this. You and Ethan have been on my mind lately. I have been wondering how you were doing. We are all sad that Ethan is not here with you, Andy, and the boys. But isn't it awesome that one day we will all be together in a place where there will only be joy!! We love you much! Chris, Julie, Sean and Paige
Just wanted to let you know that you are on my heart today. I wish that there is more that I can do other than pray for you, Andy, and the boys. I hope that today has been a good (as good as it can be) day. Love you much! Chris, Julie, Sean and Paige
Hey Allie,
I think of you so often. I wanted to email you but the email I have is from the message board when you were the community leader. I do hope you'll get this comment!
I would love to hear from you soon, whether through an email or blog post. I would love to hear how you are doing, how things are after moving, decisions about the future, etc.
I've missed hearing from you!
Love,
Tonya
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