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Have you ever had one of those days where nothing satisfied you? Well, I am having one of those days today. I am just dragging today. I didn't want to go to church, but I went. I'm glad that I went, it was the one part of the day that was actually satisfying. Lunch afterward stank. I can't decide if I want to join a gym. I thought that we would go for a drive and that would calm me and settle me. Nope, not at all. I just kept wondering how much longer before we were back home. My house is a wreck. I cannot seem to get organized. I was so excited thinking I would get to talk to Andy, but that's not worked out, either. There's really no purpose to this post other than to just vent. I'm just frustrated, worn out and beat down today. Praying for peace and for a renewed relationship with God right now.

Something Special

My boys are really missing their daddy. I am daily asked when he is coming home, if it is going to be just a few more weeks, if he will be home by their birthday. I have a shirt that Andy wore before he left that I haven't washed because it smells like him. Jake found it the other day and just buried his little nose in it. He asked me if there was something special he could do to be close to Andy, and I suggested sleeping in his shirts. They were so excited to be in their "Daddy Shirts." Now, they are also bathing in his Old Spice soap so that they smell like him. It has turned something that was really hard into something that is really special to them. Plus, bathtime isn't such a fight now because I have the "Daddy Soap" bribe. ;)

Deployments suck

I had forgotten just how difficult it can be to be the only parent at home. We have made it almost a month, just the boys and I. It is so lonely sometimes. When I am at work, the day seems to fly by and there is not enough time to get everything done. We have had snow day after snow day, though, and I am about to lose my mind. I have a lot to do at home, but all I can focus on is all the stuff I need to do for work that I am unable to do. Plus, I have a little too much time on my hands to just think. Too much thinking is NOT good for the soul in my case.

The boys seem to be handling this deployment alright. We are able to talk to Andy on Skype, so they are able to see Andy while they are talking to him. Such an amazing invention! Mama and I talked about seeing something like that on the "Future" ride at Disney and thinking how cool it was and that it was something we would never see. And now, here it is. It is nice to be able to have that connection.

Sometimes, it seems like it just happened

I lost my child today
People came to weep and cry
as I just sat and stared, dry eyed
They struggled to find words to say
to try and make the pain go away
I walked the floor in disbelief
I lost my child today.

I lost my child last month
Most of the people went away
Some still call and some still stay
I wait to wake up from this dream
This can't be real, I want to scream
Yet everything is locked inside
God, help me, I want to die
I lost my child last month.

I lost my child last year
Now people who had came, have gone
I sit and struggle all day long
to bear the pain so deep inside
And now my friends just question Why?
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song
Good heavens, it has been so long
I lost my child last year.

Time has not moved on for me
The numbness it has disappeared
My eyes have now cried many tears
I see the look upon your face
"She must move on and leave this place"
Yet I am trapped right here in time
The song’s the same, as is the rhyme
I lost my child.........today

--Netta Wilson, written in memory of her daughter Caprice Cara Wilson, who was killed in an auto accident (December 2, 1968 - November 20, 1994)

Going on the "Down Low"

I realized the other day as I started to post something and didn't for the umpteenth time that I needed to make a change. I cannot tell you how many times I have started to post something, but did not. I realized there was a reason for that. I do not want for any of my students to google my name and read my private thoughts. So, I am making my blog private. I think that all you need to do if you want to continue to read is to send a request once it is private and then I can accept you. Love to all.

Broken

I haven't written here in so long. I have just been empty. I have had nothing to say here, I stopped going to my support group because I was just completely dried up. I spent so long feeling so much, it was overwhelming. Now, I'm back and completely heartbroken for my friend. Her baby boys have just gone to heaven and I just don't understand. When your child dies, you spend so much of your time trying to come up with some reason, some type of understanding. And the understanding that you come to is that there is no understanding. You just somehow, through lots and lots of prayer, finally reach peace. It is a fragile peace, one that can be disrupted, but it is a peace and an acceptance.

The truth is, I'm so incredibly angry right now I punch holes in my walls. IT ISN'T FAIR! Why do we have to go through this? Why does any mother have to bury a child? I'm back to not understanding, I'm back to anger. I cannot find words to be eloquent or to say the right thing. I'm pissed and I'm sad and I don't know what to do.

Please pray for my friend, Amy and her husband Craig.

How I Am

I have been thinking about Ethan, the journey and the future. I realize that people may not know if talking about Ethan is alright. If it will upset me if you bring him up. The truth is I want to know that he is remembered. You can't 'remind' me of him, he is always in my thoughts. So, this is where I am on this journey....

I am almost two years into this journey. It does get better. The pain lessens. I think of Ethan with smiles of happiness. I am happy, honored and proud that he was mine. I am sad that he isn't with me now. There are still times that I cry. I don't cry all day, I don't cry everyday, but I do still cry. It is hard for me to visit his grave. Since I don't live where he is buried, it is a fresh wound every time I go.

I think of him everyday. EVERY SINGLE DAY. There is not a day and will probably never be a day where he is not a thought that I have, a beat of my heart, a breath that I breathe. Does it hurt every time I think of him. No. Does it hurt sometimes? Absolutely. Sometimes I think of him and I'm happy. I'll remember something that he did while he was still with me, or a character trait he had, and I smile. How he jumped around and kicked but would calm down immediately if Andy put his hand on my belly. Other times I think how it would be different if he were here. We were roasting marsh mellows the other day and I was able to just sit and relax, knowing my children knew not to get too near the fire. The thought came to me that if Ethan were there, I would need to be much more vigilant. Other times the sadness and despair is enough to knock me to my knees. When I see a child who is his age and I realize how much I've missed, how much I will always miss because he is not here.

So, that's where I am. There are still days that I hurt almost unbearably. But for the most part, I have come to a sort of peace. Not an understanding...one day that will come, but it won't be in this lifetime. But peace and acceptance is here. And happiness. Happiness is here again, joy is here again. And if you want to talk about Ethan, want to mention his name, please do. It just brings me joy to know he is remembered and loved.

Going back to school

I have had a time trying to get certified in Tennessee. I have a current license in North Carolina and Tennessee does have a reciprical license with them. BUT, I have not taught for three years on the NC license, so I have to send them either a valid Georgia license or take four (yes, FOUR) PRAXIS test. They are horrible, horrible tests and I would only be certified in Tennessee. So, I'm going back to school for 6 hours of courses to get my certificate renewed in Georgia and then I will get a reciprical Tennessee license. WHEW! Make sense?

I am officially enrolled in some online courses and I'm nervous. I've never taken courses that were online. I'm a sit in the classroom and take notes sort of girl. So, we'll see how it goes. It sounds like I'm going to be really busy, especially trying to move at the same time. So, keep my in your prayers. Pray I will stay sane and my children will continue to be fed and bathed. Oh, and that I learn something and PASS MY CLASSES!!

Pray Urgently

I realized tonight that I have not had a whole lot to say lately. But I have had a significant amount of prayer requests. I actually have another one now. Please take the time when you read this to say a prayer for this little boy. Please pray for absolute healing. Please also pray for his parents and his family.

Ward Wright is 4 years old. Last Wednesday, April 22, they found a large mass in his abdomen, and it looks like it might have lesions that have attached to his spine. Here is Ward's webpage, where you can view pictures of him, read his story and keep updated. Thank you so much for your prayers for this beautiful little boy. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/wardwright

Please Pray for Stellan

You can click on the picture to go to the website that has Stellan's story.

March 14, 2009, around 9:30 pm...

My first born son accepted Jesus as his Savior!! I am so excited. We were saying prayers last night when he started asking questions about being saved. He has asked these questions on and off for the last year. He could tell me why Jesus came to Earth, he could tell me what sin was and that he sinned and needed forgiveness. But for the past year, at the end of his questions he would say, "And I can ask Jesus to come and live in my heart?" and I would say yes and ask if he wanted to then and he always replied, "Nah. Not right now." And that would be the end of it for a few months. Last night, he asked all those questions and told me what he understood. Then I said, "I love you, goodnight." And he said, "Wait Mom!! Can't I do it now? I want to ask Jesus to live in my heart now." How sweet?! I have this vision of him praying to Jesus and asking Him to come into his heart and accepting Him as his Savior. And as he is praying, his name is being written into the Book of Life. It was just beautiful and I am still beside myself with joy.

Please Pray

My brother in laws cousin, Courtney, was pregnant with sextuplets. She gave birth to four of them today, one yesterday and one on the 11th. All of the babies are in heaven now. Courtney's blood pressure has dropped dangerously low. Please keep her in your prayers. Pray for her physical healing and for the emotional healing for her and Allen.

http://www.thetippingfamily.com/

So, I'm Paranoid. So what?

Tonight at AWANA's, Jake and another child collided heads. Both were crying, both were holding their little heads. I looked at the other child's first. This was his second run in with another head tonight, so I was actually more worried about him. His forehead was red, but that was all, not really any swelling. So, I look over at Jake. He already had a huge, purple knot on his head that sunk in the middle. It looked like a volcano. I thought that I handled the situation pretty well. I jerked both of them up and raced down the hall to grab some ice pack. After we were there for a while and both of them had calmed down, I was still freaking out because of the way that Jake's lump was swelling. If it had just been a pop knot, I wouldn't have worried...well, not much, anyway. But with it sinking in the middle, I just couldn't really rest easy with it. One of the men that works with AWANA's asked me, "Do they not get a lot of bumps at your house?" Okay...here's the thing. They're boys. Of course they get a lot of bumps. It was the way the bump was. Plus, and I will freely admit it like I did tonight, I'm a paranoid mama. I haven't always been. At least, not the complete fruitcake that I am now. I was pretty nonchalant when Will was a baby. I put up baby gates at the top and the foot of the stairs. But when, at 18 months old, he started climbing the gates I took them down and didn't really worry about it. But, since Ethan died, I'm a basket case when it comes to the boys and sickness, fever or injury. I just am. Is it understandable? Sure. Do I need to get over it? Yeah, I think so. Jake was not very appreciative tonight that I wouldn't let him get up until a nurse looked at him. Oh, well. Something else to work on, right?

Why is it....

that as soon as your husband leaves the lawnmower breaks, the kids get sick, your house gets trashed because the kids are sick and THEN someone wants to come look at your house? I'm running around like crazy trying to clean things up, wash all those vomit sheets and keep the kids hydrated and not too stir crazy.....HELLO! I'm losing my mind!

On a brighter note, I heard from Andy today and he has safely arrived at his destination. So, boots on the ground while it is still February, which is what he was hoping for. Please continue to keep him and all our soldier's safety in your prayers.


Ha! Edited to add that when I left my house today so that it could be viewed, the wind had blown a shutter off. Oh well.

Regrets and Letting Them Go

I have regrets; who doesn't right? But I have specific regrets about when Ethan died. I wish that I had known about Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep so I could have gotten some professional photographs of Ethan. I love the photos that I have. I cherish them and I have spent countless hours pouring over them and memorizing every detail of his face. But I have seen some of NILMDTS's photos and they are beautiful and I wish that I had known that option was available.

I also regret that I didn't bathe him. At the time, I don't remember why I said no when they asked if I wanted to, I just remember feeling unequivocally "NO!". I regret beyond words that I let a stranger bathe him. I tell myself every time that I think about it that maybe Ginger bathed him, so at least it was someone who loved him. I'm too much of a coward to ask her, though.

This used to be my biggest regret. I didn't send socks with Ethan to be buried in. When I realized the omission, it was weeks later and I freaked. What kind of mother am I that I would let my child go forever away from me without socks? I know it sounds kind of silly; I know that he doesn't need them. But still, it was a big regret. Emphasis on was.

I have been truly blessed to have not only a wonderful support system in my family, but also a wonderful support group online. In those dark days right after Ethan's death, I found this group of women who shared their stories and their feelings. Who lifted each other up in difficult days and shared their joys in good days. If you are reading this and you are lost and looking for a support group, the site is http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-ppstillborn. I shared that last regret there and had several responses that made me feel so much better. One lady (the one who took the picture of Ethan's name on the beach in Florida) shared that when she pictures her little girl in heaven she is running barefoot through fields of flowers. Another said that he wouldn't need socks when playing in heaven's creeks. Both of those images brought me such peace and comfort, but that regret still lingered like a nagging, dull ache in the back of my mind. I have recently been emailing back and forth with a lady who is also from Georgia. A small town in Georgia not too far from where I grew up, actually. And I shared with her that regret. She later came upon a verse and thought of me and Ethan and I wanted to share what she told me. "It is Exodus 3:5: "Take off your sandals for the place where you are standing is holy ground" - he would have had to take them off anyway! :) " It is hard to describe how I felt when I read that email from her. It made me smile, it made me cry, but beyond all else, it brought a peace and comfort to my heart that was straight from the Lord delivered through her. So, thank you, Tonya. It feels nice to be able to put that regret to rest.

Making an Idol

We are trying to get our house organized in order to put it on the market. Going through some books, I found a bible study that I started three weeks after Ethan's death. I looked through it and found something that really stood out to me. I am going to try and post it here without infringing on too many copy write laws. The bible study is Hope for the Home Front by Marshele Carter Waddell and it was written for military wives.

In the second week, she had us read Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." She then looked at the meanings for some of those words in the original Hebrew lexicon. Terrified (NIV) or afraid (KJV) means to awe, to be in awe of, to dread. And discouraged (NIV) or dismayed (KJV) means to prostrate, to break down by confusion or fear. She then asks if we are terrified or discouraged, then 'whom or what are we worshipping? Bowing or being in awe of or prostrating ourselves to anything else but God can be only one thing'. And that one thing is an idol.

WHOA! Let me tell you that when I did the Bible study, it hit me so hard that I have notes all over the margin of that page. Going back and reading what I had written just five weeks after Ethan's death has me again thinking on the subject. If your fear or discouragement becomes so all consuming that you can think of nothing else then that is a form of idolatry. Of course, the point she was going for was the fear that we have for our husbands during deployments. But coming so soon after Ethan's death, that was the only thing on my mind. The thing that I wrote that struck me the most was this: "I will not make an idol out of death. Death took Ethan from me, but God rescued Ethan from death. I will worship my God, who now holds my baby safe." Oh, my goodness. "Who now holds my baby safe." I will say honestly that over the past 16 months I have at times forgotten that. How special to be reminded by my words that Ethan is safe, being held in the hands who made our universe.

It can be so easy to let our fears rule our lives. After Ethan died I was terrified for everyone else in my family. When Andy would deploy I would be overly anxious. I barely slept because I was too busy going and checking on the boys to make sure they were still breathing. I hated for them to be out of my sight. It has taken a lot of time and A LOT of prayers to not let that fear rule my life. I'm not going to say to get rid of the fears because they are still there. But I have tried very hard not to make an idol, to not let fear rule my life.

Welcome Home Ben!!!!

You can tell from the excitement on my niece's face just how happy she is that her daddy is home!

Smallest, Wingless

There is an organization that I wish with all my heart I had known about when Ethan was born. It is called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. They are a non-profit organization with professional photographers who volunteer their time and talent for parents in situations similar to ours. This song is beautiful and expresses such true emotion. I hope that you will take the time to watch.

Check out this video: Smallest Wingless Live (1.6.07)

Will and Ethan

Will was 27 months old when Ethan died. Really just too young to understand what was going on or to be affected by it...I thought. He really has never said anything or done anything to make me believe otherwise. Right after Ethan's death, he would ask about him sometimes, but not in such a long, long time. But now ...

He asked me one day last week if he could have a baby brother. Before I could say anything, Jake told him that Ethan was his baby brother. Will responded with, "I no like him. He's dead!" I completely understand what he is saying in his three year old way. He doesn't like that Ethan is dead and he still wants a baby brother to play with. I get it. Then today, he went and got Ethan's pictures and brought them to me. He asked if he could look at "Dead Ethan". As opposed to his "Friend Ethan", I suppose, who is at his school. And that is how he refers to him. Anytime he talks about his friend Ethan, he always clarifies with, "not Dead Ethan."

I get it; I understand. I just HATE THIS!!!

For the Fathers

After Ethan's death, I can honestly say that I had a wonderful, caring support system. I didn't answer the phone often, but knowing that people were calling, that they were praying, meant so much to me. So many people who I know from years past right up to that day called me and sent me cards, asked how I was doing. There were a few calls to Andy, also, especially right at first. But as the days wore on, as the months passed, there were not so many calls for him. There were still quite a few to him, asking him how I was. I guess that it is easy to see how it is difficult for the mother who carried the child and bonded with the child in the womb. It can be easy to think that the father wouldn't feel that loss, because he had not carried the child for those 9 months. On Ethan's birthday, I had several people call to check up on me, to let me know how much they love us and Ethan. You will never know how much that means to me. Andy only had one person call him; my brother in law who managed to get to a phone and make a call from Iraq. The fact that someone had thought of him and reached out on that painful day meant so much to him. There were people who he thought would call, who didn't...I don't know if it even occurred to them or if they forgot... I'm not trying to guilt anyone. There are a lot of people who read this who are going through or who know someone who is going through a similar situation. I just wanted to say, don't forget the Daddy's. They are hurting, too.

Untitled
Written by Eileen Knight Hagemeister
to her son-in-law after his baby girl was born still

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"
He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break
And dries her tears and comforts her
But "stays strong" for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave ~
He lost his baby too. . .