My Husband - Happy Anniversary!

It has been 9 years tomorrow. Happy Anniversary to us! There are so many reasons that I love Andy. I think back to that day when I fell headlong in love. For me, it was not love at first sight. In fact, I don't even remember meeting Andy that first time. Our first date...well, there's not much to say other than it was the worst date either of us has ever been on. It even beat the blind date I went on with Julie when I was 15 where the guy took his shoe off and tried to play footsie with me with his smelly, sweaty feet. I don't know why Andy decided to ask me on a second one. I said yes because I felt so guilty about the first date, but regardless of why he asked or why I agreed, I am so glad that it happened. I went from the (truthfully) worst date ever to the best in the space of 7 days. After we had dated for a while, I was angry about something and when he asked me what was wrong and I told him, instead of getting angry right back he sat down calmly and said, "Well, let's talk about it." I couldn't tell you what day of the week or what month that was, but that was the second I fell in love with him. This time last year, I could have told you I loved him because he is such an amazing father. I would have said that as a husband, he is uplifting, supportive and never leaves me doubting his love. That was last year. This year, after the year that we have, I know the depths of his love go further than I could ever have begun to imagine. After Ethan's death, when I could not lift myself up off the floor, this man carried me, carried our entire family and never faltered a step. I would have never made it without him. People have spoken to me of strength. This is what I know. Any strength that I have comes directly from God. But right after Ethan's death, when just breathing seemed more than I could do, God filled Andy with the strength for both of us. I am forever grateful that he took on that burden without so much as a single complaint. This man is amazing. And I am forever blessed to have him as my husband. I love you, Andy.

Ethan's Birthday

Well, this year has been the longest and shortest of my life. Isn't that a funny paradox? Ethan's one year birthday is coming up on August 19. I have been dreading it for so long, dreading the feelings that will be associated with it. And now, it seems to have just crept up on me. I am both peaceful and absolutely manic about it, about the way that I feel. I want to do something really special to honor him at the same time that I want to bury my head in the sand and just sleep the entire day, pretend it doesn't exist. I have had several people ask me what we want to do because they want to honor him and celebrate him with us as well. I've heard many wonderful suggestions, from balloon releases to buying a star in his name. We have thought about it and we want to do something that will not only honor him, but help other families who are going through a pregnancy or infant loss. Which is why we chose Share Atlanta. There is actually a link on the side to their website. Share Atlanta does many things for parents in our situation. They donate blankets, booties, teddy bears, etc to area hospitals so that anyone who enters a hospital pregnant does not leave empty handed. Granted, leaving with a memory box or a teddy bear in no way compensates having to leave your child behind. However, I can tell you from experience how much I treasure our memory box and how often I have cradled Ethan's bear, especially in the beginning when my arms were so empty they ached. They also have seminars where they work with health care providers going over the needs of mothers who are delivering a baby that they know will be stillborn. This is so important...the little things can so often be overlooked. For instance, I spent two hours alone in a labor room after learning that Ethan had died surrounded by walls filled with pictures of mother's holding newborns. Not fun. Another reason we chose Share Atlanta is because Marcia, the founder, was one of the co-authors of the No Heartbeat Act. That bill is so important for us moms of stillborns, and in helping to get it passed she became someone I call a friend. It is so difficult to put yourself out there, exposing all of your own emotions just to help others after going through this loss. The fact that she has done so much, created an organization that has done so much....I just find it courageous and amazing and want to support her efforts in any way that I can.

So, if you are someone who would have bought Ethan a birthday present had he lived or if you would just like to honor him with us, be it with five dollars or 15 dollars, first of all, thank you. I can't tell you how much it means. Here is how you can donate to Share Atlanta.

You can send the donation directly to the following address and make the check out
to: SHARE Atlanta, Inc. It is tax-deductible.


SHARE Atlanta's Treasurer
Pam Slayback
577 Greenwood Ave.NE
Atlanta, Ga 30308
404-892-0695

Love,
Allie

Article

This is a link to the article. http://www.jacksonville.com/tu-online/stories/071408/geo_303420420.shtml or http://savannahnow.com/node/533056.

Oh, it's HOT!!!

Oh my goodness. It is 95 degrees in Savannah and our AC broke this morning. It will be Monday afternoon before anyone can come and look at it. Thank the Lord we are going to North Georgia today for Sid's birthday. If not, we would have been renting a hotel room for the weekend. I don't know how people used to do it...I'd need to move up North if not for the AC. :)

Normal Again?

What is "normal" anyway? Is it in comparison to a group of people, the majority of people, or just the way that a person generally acts? Why do people get so upset if the way that a person acts changes? If an alcoholic stops drinking, that's a great change. If someone stops eating horribly and starts exercising, no one gets upset that they are no longer acting "normally". If you have a child and that child survives and stays well, your "normal" still changes, because now you are daily caring for a child. Why do people think that the death of a child will not change a person? Or that if your child becomes ill and changes personality that you should not change your outlook, your "normal"?

Anytime that someone goes through a major change, their personality, daily activities, and outlook changes at least slightly, if not tremedously. Of course Ethan's death changed me. I had no idea that stillbirth happened still in developed countries when the pregnancy was uneventful and the baby was healthy. Since his death, I have not only had to deal with all the emotions, but I want to raise awareness...that's part of my new "normal". Yesterday, we took the boys to see a movie. It started, and it was really loud...Jake and Will were enthralled. But my first thought was, 'Wow, I wonder if Ethan would have been able to stay in here?' It didn't cause me pain like it used to, I no longer break down when those thoughts sneak up on me, but they are there, daily. The "What If's?" I suppose that they will always be there, and that is okay. It is my new normal, my new me. So, when am I going to be normal again? I am...it's just a different normal.

Yesterday

The Savannah Morning News came and took photos yesterday for the article. They wanted a picture of us along with some of the things that we have from Ethan. I showed her his footprints, my necklace, etc. Got to his lock of hair and I lost it, had to leave the room. It was really emotional, just really left me feeling raw. After she left, Andy started going through the box. I don't think that he has ever gone through it before, ever read the cards we received before. I sent the boys next door so we could be alone and go through it. Difficult doesn't begin to describe it. I was sad again, but more than anything, I was furious...Furious that I don't have him, furious that all I have is a box of memories. My emotions were on overload and I was not being really careful while I was cooking. I wound up spilling some boiling water on my foot. Now I have a lovely 2nd degree burn over the top of my foot and I can't use the antibiotic cream they normally prescribe because I am allergic to it. So I'm putting vitamin E, aloe and fish oil on my foot, which smells really nice. :) At least it took my focus off of our loss. **Whew!!** It feels good to rant sometimes!

Charleston

We went to Charleston last week. In the first picture, my children are standing on a cannon from Fort Sumter. They were told to touch nothing in the museum and I turned around and caught them doing that...Will said, "I not touching it, Mama" ;) We had a great time.

Dealing with how others think you should grieve

I read this post today. It is on grief and how after a child dies, especially when it is a stillbirth, people seem to want to rush us back to living just as we were before. It is a great description of how that feels and why I reject that push. Like I have said to countless other mothers, feel what you feel. Own it. No one has the right to tell you have to grieve, what is proper, etc. Here is a link to the blog.

http://drjoanne.blogspot.com/

The Interview

So, how did it go? I honestly have no idea. I started talking about that day, that horrible day, and I started crying and I just have no idea how it went, even what I said half the time. I'm supposed to call him back to set up a time to do a picture, and when I do, I need to make sure that I tell him Ethan's name. I said Ethan several times, but I didn't tell him Ethan's entire name. And I want to. I wanted to talk more about SHARE Atlanta...about how important what they are doing is. My thoughts were just so focused on ... well, on not crying so hard that I couldn't speak. What's funny is I don't even know exactly what the interview will be in...I know the name of the news organization and that they publish in Athens, Columbus and Augusta. But what they publish...I have no idea.

What have I gotten myself into?

I have a fear of the phone. I know, stupid, really. But, after Ethan's death, it never stopped ringing, and I just couldn't face it. Then, slowly, it did stop, and the silence was so much worse. So, I avoid it. I only call a handful of people...my parents, sisters, Ginger, Courtney, and a handful of friends. Other than that, email is my main form of communication.

Then, I got involved in the bill, in trying to get it passed. And it was so important to me, so important period, that I jumped in full force, emailing and calling (yes, calling) these state Representatives. I had sweats and panic attacks before I would call, but I did it. Now, I have been asked to do an interview for a state news organization about the act. They are trying to get personal stories from several people in different parts of the state. I said yes; of course, I said yes. People need to know about it, I feel that it is so extremely important. It's a phone interview. I'm sweating just thinking about it. It's for Monday at 10 am. I hope I make it through it without breaking down, without putting any negative spin on it, and without Jake and Will fighting in the middle of it. I'll settle for the first two, since I'm sure the last won't happen. but I'm nervous. Accelerating heartbeat nervous.

"Firsts"

My friend called me. The one I was pregnant with, the one who went into labor the same day as Ethan's funeral. She was excited because her little one had started to walk. How wonderful, really. And it is exciting, especially for a parent. But for me, it was a knife in the gut. Walking? Already? In my mind, he is an infant, a newborn. He will always be just that. How do I reconcile that image in my mind to one of a baby/toddler, who is sitting up and crawling and walking? His first birthday is coming up, and it is all starting to press in on me again. But now it is the "firsts" that he will not get to experience. I guess more that I will not get to experience, because I know that he is much safer and in such a more joyful place. And he is experiencing so many "firsts" before me. But I selfishly want to see those firsts. I feel an "It's Not Fair!!" tantrum coming on, and I had so hoped I was beyond those now.

Hope Cherishing Love

Someone on one of my support forums posted this and I instantly fell in love with it. I just think it is beautiful, and speaks volumes.

Necklace Charm

My necklace has finally arrived. It has a copy of Ethan's actual footprint's engraved on the front with his name, and then it has his full name and birthdate on the back. I love it.

Officially a Law in Georgia!!! ~ No Heartbeat Act

It's official!! It passed the Senate on 2/21/07, passed the House 4/4/07, and Gov. Perdue signed it into law Tuesday,May 13. Thanks to all who helped by bombarding your Representative with emails and phone calls. That so many people stood up and helped fight for us means so much. I got even got emails from people that I didn't know, who in Ethan's memory contacted their Rep. in favor of the bill. I cannot even put it into words how much it meant, especially those of you who emailed me or called to find out how it was going, or with a response from your rep, or to find out if you needed to get in touch with them again. I think my favorite email was from the Rep. who informed me that he was not only voting for it, but he was going to put his name publicly behind the bill. And then asked that I let my 'many friends and family know' because he would not be able to answer all the emails in a timely manner. Or, as my sister Andi put it, "Dang girl, call off your dogs!" LOL...I'm just glad I had some dogs to call on. It seriously meant the world to me that so many people cared enough to contact their Representative. This is such a wonderful accomplishment for all parents with babies born still in the state of Georgia. Hopefully, ALL states will soon recognize the importance of issueing CBRS. So, thank you for helping get this bill passed. Love you all.

A Bible For Ethan

I was not going to post about this because I was not sure how I felt about it. But now that my emotions are a little bit more stable, I realize how special it was, so I wanted to share.

Yesterday, I was in Ellijay, at the church that I grew up in. They were giving out Bibles for all the new babies who were born this year. My mother had already told me that they were giving Ethan a bible. I thought that was really special, that they were recognizing him. Then, about two mom's into the ceremony, I realized that all the mom's were staying up there, to be recognized collectively as a whole. I started to panic, and I thought that surely they would wait and do Ethan's after everyone else sat down, or maybe privately. Nope...his name was called in the middle. Andy went up with me, and there we stood, two parent's with empty arms, surrounded by mothers who had their arms full with babies. It was so hard, I was crying, trying so hard not to break down. And then the thought came to me that it was Ethan's Mother's Day gift to me.

I kept alternating between thinking it was special, to wishing that I hadn't had to stand there with all those moms and babies. And then a lady in my support group totally changed my perspective.

How great is it that I was recognized publicly as a mother to Ethan? That he was recognized and acknowledged as a child, a precious gift, and just as important as any other baby that was born this year. Now, I am so excited about it, so thankful. MY BABY WAS RECOGNIZED! And not as something I should be sad about, but as a baby that should be rejoiced.

Anyway, it just meant so much to me, once it was put into perspective, so I thought I would share.

Warren

Warren is having a bad day; he is in a lot of pain. Please continue to pray for him and his family. I have added a link to his website. Look to the right, it's under the myspace links.

Allie

36 weeks, 6 days

It has been 36 weeks, 6 days since the day I found out that Ethan's
heart had stopped beating. I don't know why all of a sudden I had the
need to count that up. 36 weeks, 6 days. I was pregnant with Ethan
for 36 weeks, 6 days when I gave birth to him. I have now been without
him for as long as I had him. How is that possible? I know that some
days are worse than others, I know that I shouldn't do this to myself.
I know, I know, I KNOW! So, if I know, then why don't I seem to
understand? Why do I do this to myself?

Strength

So, obviously, yesterday was a bad day. Unfortunately,anyone who might need to read that post won't; mainly because they don't know this site exists. I have been pondering this today. "God will never give you more than you can handle". I have to be honest, I'm not really fond of that quaint little saying. People tend to use it as a platitude. Oh, you lost your job? Well, 'God will never give you more than you can handle'. You are sick and can't get out of bed? Well, 'God will never give you more than you can handle'. Your child died? Well, 'God will never give you more than you can handle'.

I have a friend whose baby has been in the hospital for 18 days now and they still have not determined what is wrong with him. I was talking to my pastor, and I said something along the lines of "I can't even begin to imagine the fear she has or how she is staying so positive." And he said, "No one can imagine the difficulties that each of us go through. Me, with the death of my wife; you with your son, and your friend with her child's illness. Each one is tragic, each one is hard, each one is different. God gives us the strength that we need for the situation that we are in."

'God gives us the strength that we need for the situation that we are in.' Oh, AMEN! That is one saying that I can ride the river with.

The Bean Bag

I have just about had it with insensitive comments that are meant to "help". No, I do not want to hear you tell me that it was God's will that Ethan die. Maybe I believe that, maybe I don't. But I do know one thing. There is no better way to turn a mother off of God quicker than to tell her that He wanted her baby to die. I can also do without "you can have more children", "you just need to forget about it", and "if God takes something from us, it's because he has something better in store for us". And, "Oh, you're still upset?" is a real winner, too. The answer to that is - Uh, yeah, I am. I have tried to not let stupid comments upset me, especially the ones that were made from someone that I know was trying to comfort me. Easier said than done, however, so I thought up an analogy to help me along.

When I was teaching, sometimes I would have my students sit in a circle to discuss certain topics. We had a bean bag, and the rule was that you could not speak unless you were holding the bean bag. Sometimes, I wish that life were that way. Only there would be someone screening the comments, and if what you had to say was especially asinine, you would not be allowed to hold the bean bag. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, be your own screener. And if what you have to say isn't 'I'm sorry' or 'I love you', then please, just pass the bean bag. And if you can't, then just know that in my mind, I'm thinking, "Crap, the idiot got the bean bag again!"

How I'm Feeling

Have you ever felt like screaming? Just screaming and screaming and screaming, until someone comes and carries you away and drugs you into oblivion? That is how I'm feeling today.