Friday, June 19, 2009

How I Am

I have been thinking about Ethan, the journey and the future. I realize that people may not know if talking about Ethan is alright. If it will upset me if you bring him up. The truth is I want to know that he is remembered. You can't 'remind' me of him, he is always in my thoughts. So, this is where I am on this journey....

I am almost two years into this journey. It does get better. The pain lessens. I think of Ethan with smiles of happiness. I am happy, honored and proud that he was mine. I am sad that he isn't with me now. There are still times that I cry. I don't cry all day, I don't cry everyday, but I do still cry. It is hard for me to visit his grave. Since I don't live where he is buried, it is a fresh wound every time I go.

I think of him everyday. EVERY SINGLE DAY. There is not a day and will probably never be a day where he is not a thought that I have, a beat of my heart, a breath that I breathe. Does it hurt every time I think of him. No. Does it hurt sometimes? Absolutely. Sometimes I think of him and I'm happy. I'll remember something that he did while he was still with me, or a character trait he had, and I smile. How he jumped around and kicked but would calm down immediately if Andy put his hand on my belly. Other times I think how it would be different if he were here. We were roasting marsh mellows the other day and I was able to just sit and relax, knowing my children knew not to get too near the fire. The thought came to me that if Ethan were there, I would need to be much more vigilant. Other times the sadness and despair is enough to knock me to my knees. When I see a child who is his age and I realize how much I've missed, how much I will always miss because he is not here.

So, that's where I am. There are still days that I hurt almost unbearably. But for the most part, I have come to a sort of peace. Not an day that will come, but it won't be in this lifetime. But peace and acceptance is here. And happiness. Happiness is here again, joy is here again. And if you want to talk about Ethan, want to mention his name, please do. It just brings me joy to know he is remembered and loved.