I haven't written here in so long. I have just been empty. I have had nothing to say here, I stopped going to my support group because I was just completely dried up. I spent so long feeling so much, it was overwhelming. Now, I'm back and completely heartbroken for my friend. Her baby boys have just gone to heaven and I just don't understand. When your child dies, you spend so much of your time trying to come up with some reason, some type of understanding. And the understanding that you come to is that there is no understanding. You just somehow, through lots and lots of prayer, finally reach peace. It is a fragile peace, one that can be disrupted, but it is a peace and an acceptance.
The truth is, I'm so incredibly angry right now I punch holes in my walls. IT ISN'T FAIR! Why do we have to go through this? Why does any mother have to bury a child? I'm back to not understanding, I'm back to anger. I cannot find words to be eloquent or to say the right thing. I'm pissed and I'm sad and I don't know what to do.
Please pray for my friend, Amy and her husband Craig.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
How I Am
I have been thinking about Ethan, the journey and the future. I realize that people may not know if talking about Ethan is alright. If it will upset me if you bring him up. The truth is I want to know that he is remembered. You can't 'remind' me of him, he is always in my thoughts. So, this is where I am on this journey....
I am almost two years into this journey. It does get better. The pain lessens. I think of Ethan with smiles of happiness. I am happy, honored and proud that he was mine. I am sad that he isn't with me now. There are still times that I cry. I don't cry all day, I don't cry everyday, but I do still cry. It is hard for me to visit his grave. Since I don't live where he is buried, it is a fresh wound every time I go.
I think of him everyday. EVERY SINGLE DAY. There is not a day and will probably never be a day where he is not a thought that I have, a beat of my heart, a breath that I breathe. Does it hurt every time I think of him. No. Does it hurt sometimes? Absolutely. Sometimes I think of him and I'm happy. I'll remember something that he did while he was still with me, or a character trait he had, and I smile. How he jumped around and kicked but would calm down immediately if Andy put his hand on my belly. Other times I think how it would be different if he were here. We were roasting marsh mellows the other day and I was able to just sit and relax, knowing my children knew not to get too near the fire. The thought came to me that if Ethan were there, I would need to be much more vigilant. Other times the sadness and despair is enough to knock me to my knees. When I see a child who is his age and I realize how much I've missed, how much I will always miss because he is not here.
So, that's where I am. There are still days that I hurt almost unbearably. But for the most part, I have come to a sort of peace. Not an understanding...one day that will come, but it won't be in this lifetime. But peace and acceptance is here. And happiness. Happiness is here again, joy is here again. And if you want to talk about Ethan, want to mention his name, please do. It just brings me joy to know he is remembered and loved.
I am almost two years into this journey. It does get better. The pain lessens. I think of Ethan with smiles of happiness. I am happy, honored and proud that he was mine. I am sad that he isn't with me now. There are still times that I cry. I don't cry all day, I don't cry everyday, but I do still cry. It is hard for me to visit his grave. Since I don't live where he is buried, it is a fresh wound every time I go.
I think of him everyday. EVERY SINGLE DAY. There is not a day and will probably never be a day where he is not a thought that I have, a beat of my heart, a breath that I breathe. Does it hurt every time I think of him. No. Does it hurt sometimes? Absolutely. Sometimes I think of him and I'm happy. I'll remember something that he did while he was still with me, or a character trait he had, and I smile. How he jumped around and kicked but would calm down immediately if Andy put his hand on my belly. Other times I think how it would be different if he were here. We were roasting marsh mellows the other day and I was able to just sit and relax, knowing my children knew not to get too near the fire. The thought came to me that if Ethan were there, I would need to be much more vigilant. Other times the sadness and despair is enough to knock me to my knees. When I see a child who is his age and I realize how much I've missed, how much I will always miss because he is not here.
So, that's where I am. There are still days that I hurt almost unbearably. But for the most part, I have come to a sort of peace. Not an understanding...one day that will come, but it won't be in this lifetime. But peace and acceptance is here. And happiness. Happiness is here again, joy is here again. And if you want to talk about Ethan, want to mention his name, please do. It just brings me joy to know he is remembered and loved.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Going back to school
I have had a time trying to get certified in Tennessee. I have a current license in North Carolina and Tennessee does have a reciprical license with them. BUT, I have not taught for three years on the NC license, so I have to send them either a valid Georgia license or take four (yes, FOUR) PRAXIS test. They are horrible, horrible tests and I would only be certified in Tennessee. So, I'm going back to school for 6 hours of courses to get my certificate renewed in Georgia and then I will get a reciprical Tennessee license. WHEW! Make sense?
I am officially enrolled in some online courses and I'm nervous. I've never taken courses that were online. I'm a sit in the classroom and take notes sort of girl. So, we'll see how it goes. It sounds like I'm going to be really busy, especially trying to move at the same time. So, keep my in your prayers. Pray I will stay sane and my children will continue to be fed and bathed. Oh, and that I learn something and PASS MY CLASSES!!
I am officially enrolled in some online courses and I'm nervous. I've never taken courses that were online. I'm a sit in the classroom and take notes sort of girl. So, we'll see how it goes. It sounds like I'm going to be really busy, especially trying to move at the same time. So, keep my in your prayers. Pray I will stay sane and my children will continue to be fed and bathed. Oh, and that I learn something and PASS MY CLASSES!!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Pray Urgently
I realized tonight that I have not had a whole lot to say lately. But I have had a significant amount of prayer requests. I actually have another one now. Please take the time when you read this to say a prayer for this little boy. Please pray for absolute healing. Please also pray for his parents and his family.
Ward Wright is 4 years old. Last Wednesday, April 22, they found a large mass in his abdomen, and it looks like it might have lesions that have attached to his spine. Here is Ward's webpage, where you can view pictures of him, read his story and keep updated. Thank you so much for your prayers for this beautiful little boy. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/wardwright
Ward Wright is 4 years old. Last Wednesday, April 22, they found a large mass in his abdomen, and it looks like it might have lesions that have attached to his spine. Here is Ward's webpage, where you can view pictures of him, read his story and keep updated. Thank you so much for your prayers for this beautiful little boy. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/wardwright
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
March 14, 2009, around 9:30 pm...
My first born son accepted Jesus as his Savior!! I am so excited. We were saying prayers last night when he started asking questions about being saved. He has asked these questions on and off for the last year. He could tell me why Jesus came to Earth, he could tell me what sin was and that he sinned and needed forgiveness. But for the past year, at the end of his questions he would say, "And I can ask Jesus to come and live in my heart?" and I would say yes and ask if he wanted to then and he always replied, "Nah. Not right now." And that would be the end of it for a few months. Last night, he asked all those questions and told me what he understood. Then I said, "I love you, goodnight." And he said, "Wait Mom!! Can't I do it now? I want to ask Jesus to live in my heart now." How sweet?! I have this vision of him praying to Jesus and asking Him to come into his heart and accepting Him as his Savior. And as he is praying, his name is being written into the Book of Life. It was just beautiful and I am still beside myself with joy.
Please Pray
My brother in laws cousin, Courtney, was pregnant with sextuplets. She gave birth to four of them today, one yesterday and one on the 11th. All of the babies are in heaven now. Courtney's blood pressure has dropped dangerously low. Please keep her in your prayers. Pray for her physical healing and for the emotional healing for her and Allen.
http://www.thetippingfamily.com/
http://www.thetippingfamily.com/
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
So, I'm Paranoid. So what?
Tonight at AWANA's, Jake and another child collided heads. Both were crying, both were holding their little heads. I looked at the other child's first. This was his second run in with another head tonight, so I was actually more worried about him. His forehead was red, but that was all, not really any swelling. So, I look over at Jake. He already had a huge, purple knot on his head that sunk in the middle. It looked like a volcano. I thought that I handled the situation pretty well. I jerked both of them up and raced down the hall to grab some ice pack. After we were there for a while and both of them had calmed down, I was still freaking out because of the way that Jake's lump was swelling. If it had just been a pop knot, I wouldn't have worried...well, not much, anyway. But with it sinking in the middle, I just couldn't really rest easy with it. One of the men that works with AWANA's asked me, "Do they not get a lot of bumps at your house?" Okay...here's the thing. They're boys. Of course they get a lot of bumps. It was the way the bump was. Plus, and I will freely admit it like I did tonight, I'm a paranoid mama. I haven't always been. At least, not the complete fruitcake that I am now. I was pretty nonchalant when Will was a baby. I put up baby gates at the top and the foot of the stairs. But when, at 18 months old, he started climbing the gates I took them down and didn't really worry about it. But, since Ethan died, I'm a basket case when it comes to the boys and sickness, fever or injury. I just am. Is it understandable? Sure. Do I need to get over it? Yeah, I think so. Jake was not very appreciative tonight that I wouldn't let him get up until a nurse looked at him. Oh, well. Something else to work on, right?
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Why is it....
that as soon as your husband leaves the lawnmower breaks, the kids get sick, your house gets trashed because the kids are sick and THEN someone wants to come look at your house? I'm running around like crazy trying to clean things up, wash all those vomit sheets and keep the kids hydrated and not too stir crazy.....HELLO! I'm losing my mind!
On a brighter note, I heard from Andy today and he has safely arrived at his destination. So, boots on the ground while it is still February, which is what he was hoping for. Please continue to keep him and all our soldier's safety in your prayers.
Ha! Edited to add that when I left my house today so that it could be viewed, the wind had blown a shutter off. Oh well.
On a brighter note, I heard from Andy today and he has safely arrived at his destination. So, boots on the ground while it is still February, which is what he was hoping for. Please continue to keep him and all our soldier's safety in your prayers.
Ha! Edited to add that when I left my house today so that it could be viewed, the wind had blown a shutter off. Oh well.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Regrets and Letting Them Go
I have regrets; who doesn't right? But I have specific regrets about when Ethan died. I wish that I had known about Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep so I could have gotten some professional photographs of Ethan. I love the photos that I have. I cherish them and I have spent countless hours pouring over them and memorizing every detail of his face. But I have seen some of NILMDTS's photos and they are beautiful and I wish that I had known that option was available.
I also regret that I didn't bathe him. At the time, I don't remember why I said no when they asked if I wanted to, I just remember feeling unequivocally "NO!". I regret beyond words that I let a stranger bathe him. I tell myself every time that I think about it that maybe Ginger bathed him, so at least it was someone who loved him. I'm too much of a coward to ask her, though.
This used to be my biggest regret. I didn't send socks with Ethan to be buried in. When I realized the omission, it was weeks later and I freaked. What kind of mother am I that I would let my child go forever away from me without socks? I know it sounds kind of silly; I know that he doesn't need them. But still, it was a big regret. Emphasis on was.
I have been truly blessed to have not only a wonderful support system in my family, but also a wonderful support group online. In those dark days right after Ethan's death, I found this group of women who shared their stories and their feelings. Who lifted each other up in difficult days and shared their joys in good days. If you are reading this and you are lost and looking for a support group, the site is http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-ppstillborn. I shared that last regret there and had several responses that made me feel so much better. One lady (the one who took the picture of Ethan's name on the beach in Florida) shared that when she pictures her little girl in heaven she is running barefoot through fields of flowers. Another said that he wouldn't need socks when playing in heaven's creeks. Both of those images brought me such peace and comfort, but that regret still lingered like a nagging, dull ache in the back of my mind. I have recently been emailing back and forth with a lady who is also from Georgia. A small town in Georgia not too far from where I grew up, actually. And I shared with her that regret. She later came upon a verse and thought of me and Ethan and I wanted to share what she told me. "It is Exodus 3:5: "Take off your sandals for the place where you are standing is holy ground" - he would have had to take them off anyway! :) " It is hard to describe how I felt when I read that email from her. It made me smile, it made me cry, but beyond all else, it brought a peace and comfort to my heart that was straight from the Lord delivered through her. So, thank you, Tonya. It feels nice to be able to put that regret to rest.
I also regret that I didn't bathe him. At the time, I don't remember why I said no when they asked if I wanted to, I just remember feeling unequivocally "NO!". I regret beyond words that I let a stranger bathe him. I tell myself every time that I think about it that maybe Ginger bathed him, so at least it was someone who loved him. I'm too much of a coward to ask her, though.
This used to be my biggest regret. I didn't send socks with Ethan to be buried in. When I realized the omission, it was weeks later and I freaked. What kind of mother am I that I would let my child go forever away from me without socks? I know it sounds kind of silly; I know that he doesn't need them. But still, it was a big regret. Emphasis on was.
I have been truly blessed to have not only a wonderful support system in my family, but also a wonderful support group online. In those dark days right after Ethan's death, I found this group of women who shared their stories and their feelings. Who lifted each other up in difficult days and shared their joys in good days. If you are reading this and you are lost and looking for a support group, the site is http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-ppstillborn. I shared that last regret there and had several responses that made me feel so much better. One lady (the one who took the picture of Ethan's name on the beach in Florida) shared that when she pictures her little girl in heaven she is running barefoot through fields of flowers. Another said that he wouldn't need socks when playing in heaven's creeks. Both of those images brought me such peace and comfort, but that regret still lingered like a nagging, dull ache in the back of my mind. I have recently been emailing back and forth with a lady who is also from Georgia. A small town in Georgia not too far from where I grew up, actually. And I shared with her that regret. She later came upon a verse and thought of me and Ethan and I wanted to share what she told me. "It is Exodus 3:5: "Take off your sandals for the place where you are standing is holy ground" - he would have had to take them off anyway! :) " It is hard to describe how I felt when I read that email from her. It made me smile, it made me cry, but beyond all else, it brought a peace and comfort to my heart that was straight from the Lord delivered through her. So, thank you, Tonya. It feels nice to be able to put that regret to rest.
Friday, January 02, 2009
Making an Idol
We are trying to get our house organized in order to put it on the market. Going through some books, I found a bible study that I started three weeks after Ethan's death. I looked through it and found something that really stood out to me. I am going to try and post it here without infringing on too many copy write laws. The bible study is Hope for the Home Front by Marshele Carter Waddell and it was written for military wives.
In the second week, she had us read Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." She then looked at the meanings for some of those words in the original Hebrew lexicon. Terrified (NIV) or afraid (KJV) means to awe, to be in awe of, to dread. And discouraged (NIV) or dismayed (KJV) means to prostrate, to break down by confusion or fear. She then asks if we are terrified or discouraged, then 'whom or what are we worshipping? Bowing or being in awe of or prostrating ourselves to anything else but God can be only one thing'. And that one thing is an idol.
WHOA! Let me tell you that when I did the Bible study, it hit me so hard that I have notes all over the margin of that page. Going back and reading what I had written just five weeks after Ethan's death has me again thinking on the subject. If your fear or discouragement becomes so all consuming that you can think of nothing else then that is a form of idolatry. Of course, the point she was going for was the fear that we have for our husbands during deployments. But coming so soon after Ethan's death, that was the only thing on my mind. The thing that I wrote that struck me the most was this: "I will not make an idol out of death. Death took Ethan from me, but God rescued Ethan from death. I will worship my God, who now holds my baby safe." Oh, my goodness. "Who now holds my baby safe." I will say honestly that over the past 16 months I have at times forgotten that. How special to be reminded by my words that Ethan is safe, being held in the hands who made our universe.
It can be so easy to let our fears rule our lives. After Ethan died I was terrified for everyone else in my family. When Andy would deploy I would be overly anxious. I barely slept because I was too busy going and checking on the boys to make sure they were still breathing. I hated for them to be out of my sight. It has taken a lot of time and A LOT of prayers to not let that fear rule my life. I'm not going to say to get rid of the fears because they are still there. But I have tried very hard not to make an idol, to not let fear rule my life.
In the second week, she had us read Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." She then looked at the meanings for some of those words in the original Hebrew lexicon. Terrified (NIV) or afraid (KJV) means to awe, to be in awe of, to dread. And discouraged (NIV) or dismayed (KJV) means to prostrate, to break down by confusion or fear. She then asks if we are terrified or discouraged, then 'whom or what are we worshipping? Bowing or being in awe of or prostrating ourselves to anything else but God can be only one thing'. And that one thing is an idol.
WHOA! Let me tell you that when I did the Bible study, it hit me so hard that I have notes all over the margin of that page. Going back and reading what I had written just five weeks after Ethan's death has me again thinking on the subject. If your fear or discouragement becomes so all consuming that you can think of nothing else then that is a form of idolatry. Of course, the point she was going for was the fear that we have for our husbands during deployments. But coming so soon after Ethan's death, that was the only thing on my mind. The thing that I wrote that struck me the most was this: "I will not make an idol out of death. Death took Ethan from me, but God rescued Ethan from death. I will worship my God, who now holds my baby safe." Oh, my goodness. "Who now holds my baby safe." I will say honestly that over the past 16 months I have at times forgotten that. How special to be reminded by my words that Ethan is safe, being held in the hands who made our universe.
It can be so easy to let our fears rule our lives. After Ethan died I was terrified for everyone else in my family. When Andy would deploy I would be overly anxious. I barely slept because I was too busy going and checking on the boys to make sure they were still breathing. I hated for them to be out of my sight. It has taken a lot of time and A LOT of prayers to not let that fear rule my life. I'm not going to say to get rid of the fears because they are still there. But I have tried very hard not to make an idol, to not let fear rule my life.
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