Monday, June 30, 2008

Dealing with how others think you should grieve

I read this post today. It is on grief and how after a child dies, especially when it is a stillbirth, people seem to want to rush us back to living just as we were before. It is a great description of how that feels and why I reject that push. Like I have said to countless other mothers, feel what you feel. Own it. No one has the right to tell you have to grieve, what is proper, etc. Here is a link to the blog.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

The Interview

So, how did it go? I honestly have no idea. I started talking about that day, that horrible day, and I started crying and I just have no idea how it went, even what I said half the time. I'm supposed to call him back to set up a time to do a picture, and when I do, I need to make sure that I tell him Ethan's name. I said Ethan several times, but I didn't tell him Ethan's entire name. And I want to. I wanted to talk more about SHARE Atlanta...about how important what they are doing is. My thoughts were just so focused on ... well, on not crying so hard that I couldn't speak. What's funny is I don't even know exactly what the interview will be in...I know the name of the news organization and that they publish in Athens, Columbus and Augusta. But what they publish...I have no idea.

Friday, June 20, 2008

What have I gotten myself into?

I have a fear of the phone. I know, stupid, really. But, after Ethan's death, it never stopped ringing, and I just couldn't face it. Then, slowly, it did stop, and the silence was so much worse. So, I avoid it. I only call a handful of parents, sisters, Ginger, Courtney, and a handful of friends. Other than that, email is my main form of communication.

Then, I got involved in the bill, in trying to get it passed. And it was so important to me, so important period, that I jumped in full force, emailing and calling (yes, calling) these state Representatives. I had sweats and panic attacks before I would call, but I did it. Now, I have been asked to do an interview for a state news organization about the act. They are trying to get personal stories from several people in different parts of the state. I said yes; of course, I said yes. People need to know about it, I feel that it is so extremely important. It's a phone interview. I'm sweating just thinking about it. It's for Monday at 10 am. I hope I make it through it without breaking down, without putting any negative spin on it, and without Jake and Will fighting in the middle of it. I'll settle for the first two, since I'm sure the last won't happen. but I'm nervous. Accelerating heartbeat nervous.


My friend called me. The one I was pregnant with, the one who went into labor the same day as Ethan's funeral. She was excited because her little one had started to walk. How wonderful, really. And it is exciting, especially for a parent. But for me, it was a knife in the gut. Walking? Already? In my mind, he is an infant, a newborn. He will always be just that. How do I reconcile that image in my mind to one of a baby/toddler, who is sitting up and crawling and walking? His first birthday is coming up, and it is all starting to press in on me again. But now it is the "firsts" that he will not get to experience. I guess more that I will not get to experience, because I know that he is much safer and in such a more joyful place. And he is experiencing so many "firsts" before me. But I selfishly want to see those firsts. I feel an "It's Not Fair!!" tantrum coming on, and I had so hoped I was beyond those now.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Hope Cherishing Love

Someone on one of my support forums posted this and I instantly fell in love with it. I just think it is beautiful, and speaks volumes.

Monday, June 02, 2008

Necklace Charm

My necklace has finally arrived. It has a copy of Ethan's actual footprint's engraved on the front with his name, and then it has his full name and birthdate on the back. I love it.