Sunday, February 28, 2010


Have you ever had one of those days where nothing satisfied you? Well, I am having one of those days today. I am just dragging today. I didn't want to go to church, but I went. I'm glad that I went, it was the one part of the day that was actually satisfying. Lunch afterward stank. I can't decide if I want to join a gym. I thought that we would go for a drive and that would calm me and settle me. Nope, not at all. I just kept wondering how much longer before we were back home. My house is a wreck. I cannot seem to get organized. I was so excited thinking I would get to talk to Andy, but that's not worked out, either. There's really no purpose to this post other than to just vent. I'm just frustrated, worn out and beat down today. Praying for peace and for a renewed relationship with God right now.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Something Special

My boys are really missing their daddy. I am daily asked when he is coming home, if it is going to be just a few more weeks, if he will be home by their birthday. I have a shirt that Andy wore before he left that I haven't washed because it smells like him. Jake found it the other day and just buried his little nose in it. He asked me if there was something special he could do to be close to Andy, and I suggested sleeping in his shirts. They were so excited to be in their "Daddy Shirts." Now, they are also bathing in his Old Spice soap so that they smell like him. It has turned something that was really hard into something that is really special to them. Plus, bathtime isn't such a fight now because I have the "Daddy Soap" bribe. ;)

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Deployments suck

I had forgotten just how difficult it can be to be the only parent at home. We have made it almost a month, just the boys and I. It is so lonely sometimes. When I am at work, the day seems to fly by and there is not enough time to get everything done. We have had snow day after snow day, though, and I am about to lose my mind. I have a lot to do at home, but all I can focus on is all the stuff I need to do for work that I am unable to do. Plus, I have a little too much time on my hands to just think. Too much thinking is NOT good for the soul in my case.

The boys seem to be handling this deployment alright. We are able to talk to Andy on Skype, so they are able to see Andy while they are talking to him. Such an amazing invention! Mama and I talked about seeing something like that on the "Future" ride at Disney and thinking how cool it was and that it was something we would never see. And now, here it is. It is nice to be able to have that connection.

Monday, February 08, 2010

Sometimes, it seems like it just happened

I lost my child today
People came to weep and cry
as I just sat and stared, dry eyed
They struggled to find words to say
to try and make the pain go away
I walked the floor in disbelief
I lost my child today.

I lost my child last month
Most of the people went away
Some still call and some still stay
I wait to wake up from this dream
This can't be real, I want to scream
Yet everything is locked inside
God, help me, I want to die
I lost my child last month.

I lost my child last year
Now people who had came, have gone
I sit and struggle all day long
to bear the pain so deep inside
And now my friends just question Why?
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song
Good heavens, it has been so long
I lost my child last year.

Time has not moved on for me
The numbness it has disappeared
My eyes have now cried many tears
I see the look upon your face
"She must move on and leave this place"
Yet I am trapped right here in time
The song’s the same, as is the rhyme
I lost my

--Netta Wilson, written in memory of her daughter Caprice Cara Wilson, who was killed in an auto accident (December 2, 1968 - November 20, 1994)

Sunday, February 07, 2010

Going on the "Down Low"

I realized the other day as I started to post something and didn't for the umpteenth time that I needed to make a change. I cannot tell you how many times I have started to post something, but did not. I realized there was a reason for that. I do not want for any of my students to google my name and read my private thoughts. So, I am making my blog private. I think that all you need to do if you want to continue to read is to send a request once it is private and then I can accept you. Love to all.