Regrets and Letting Them Go

I have regrets; who doesn't right? But I have specific regrets about when Ethan died. I wish that I had known about Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep so I could have gotten some professional photographs of Ethan. I love the photos that I have. I cherish them and I have spent countless hours pouring over them and memorizing every detail of his face. But I have seen some of NILMDTS's photos and they are beautiful and I wish that I had known that option was available.

I also regret that I didn't bathe him. At the time, I don't remember why I said no when they asked if I wanted to, I just remember feeling unequivocally "NO!". I regret beyond words that I let a stranger bathe him. I tell myself every time that I think about it that maybe Ginger bathed him, so at least it was someone who loved him. I'm too much of a coward to ask her, though.

This used to be my biggest regret. I didn't send socks with Ethan to be buried in. When I realized the omission, it was weeks later and I freaked. What kind of mother am I that I would let my child go forever away from me without socks? I know it sounds kind of silly; I know that he doesn't need them. But still, it was a big regret. Emphasis on was.

I have been truly blessed to have not only a wonderful support system in my family, but also a wonderful support group online. In those dark days right after Ethan's death, I found this group of women who shared their stories and their feelings. Who lifted each other up in difficult days and shared their joys in good days. If you are reading this and you are lost and looking for a support group, the site is http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-ppstillborn. I shared that last regret there and had several responses that made me feel so much better. One lady (the one who took the picture of Ethan's name on the beach in Florida) shared that when she pictures her little girl in heaven she is running barefoot through fields of flowers. Another said that he wouldn't need socks when playing in heaven's creeks. Both of those images brought me such peace and comfort, but that regret still lingered like a nagging, dull ache in the back of my mind. I have recently been emailing back and forth with a lady who is also from Georgia. A small town in Georgia not too far from where I grew up, actually. And I shared with her that regret. She later came upon a verse and thought of me and Ethan and I wanted to share what she told me. "It is Exodus 3:5: "Take off your sandals for the place where you are standing is holy ground" - he would have had to take them off anyway! :) " It is hard to describe how I felt when I read that email from her. It made me smile, it made me cry, but beyond all else, it brought a peace and comfort to my heart that was straight from the Lord delivered through her. So, thank you, Tonya. It feels nice to be able to put that regret to rest.

Making an Idol

We are trying to get our house organized in order to put it on the market. Going through some books, I found a bible study that I started three weeks after Ethan's death. I looked through it and found something that really stood out to me. I am going to try and post it here without infringing on too many copy write laws. The bible study is Hope for the Home Front by Marshele Carter Waddell and it was written for military wives.

In the second week, she had us read Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." She then looked at the meanings for some of those words in the original Hebrew lexicon. Terrified (NIV) or afraid (KJV) means to awe, to be in awe of, to dread. And discouraged (NIV) or dismayed (KJV) means to prostrate, to break down by confusion or fear. She then asks if we are terrified or discouraged, then 'whom or what are we worshipping? Bowing or being in awe of or prostrating ourselves to anything else but God can be only one thing'. And that one thing is an idol.

WHOA! Let me tell you that when I did the Bible study, it hit me so hard that I have notes all over the margin of that page. Going back and reading what I had written just five weeks after Ethan's death has me again thinking on the subject. If your fear or discouragement becomes so all consuming that you can think of nothing else then that is a form of idolatry. Of course, the point she was going for was the fear that we have for our husbands during deployments. But coming so soon after Ethan's death, that was the only thing on my mind. The thing that I wrote that struck me the most was this: "I will not make an idol out of death. Death took Ethan from me, but God rescued Ethan from death. I will worship my God, who now holds my baby safe." Oh, my goodness. "Who now holds my baby safe." I will say honestly that over the past 16 months I have at times forgotten that. How special to be reminded by my words that Ethan is safe, being held in the hands who made our universe.

It can be so easy to let our fears rule our lives. After Ethan died I was terrified for everyone else in my family. When Andy would deploy I would be overly anxious. I barely slept because I was too busy going and checking on the boys to make sure they were still breathing. I hated for them to be out of my sight. It has taken a lot of time and A LOT of prayers to not let that fear rule my life. I'm not going to say to get rid of the fears because they are still there. But I have tried very hard not to make an idol, to not let fear rule my life.

Welcome Home Ben!!!!

You can tell from the excitement on my niece's face just how happy she is that her daddy is home!

Smallest, Wingless

There is an organization that I wish with all my heart I had known about when Ethan was born. It is called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. They are a non-profit organization with professional photographers who volunteer their time and talent for parents in situations similar to ours. This song is beautiful and expresses such true emotion. I hope that you will take the time to watch.

Check out this video: Smallest Wingless Live (1.6.07)

Will and Ethan

Will was 27 months old when Ethan died. Really just too young to understand what was going on or to be affected by it...I thought. He really has never said anything or done anything to make me believe otherwise. Right after Ethan's death, he would ask about him sometimes, but not in such a long, long time. But now ...

He asked me one day last week if he could have a baby brother. Before I could say anything, Jake told him that Ethan was his baby brother. Will responded with, "I no like him. He's dead!" I completely understand what he is saying in his three year old way. He doesn't like that Ethan is dead and he still wants a baby brother to play with. I get it. Then today, he went and got Ethan's pictures and brought them to me. He asked if he could look at "Dead Ethan". As opposed to his "Friend Ethan", I suppose, who is at his school. And that is how he refers to him. Anytime he talks about his friend Ethan, he always clarifies with, "not Dead Ethan."

I get it; I understand. I just HATE THIS!!!

For the Fathers

After Ethan's death, I can honestly say that I had a wonderful, caring support system. I didn't answer the phone often, but knowing that people were calling, that they were praying, meant so much to me. So many people who I know from years past right up to that day called me and sent me cards, asked how I was doing. There were a few calls to Andy, also, especially right at first. But as the days wore on, as the months passed, there were not so many calls for him. There were still quite a few to him, asking him how I was. I guess that it is easy to see how it is difficult for the mother who carried the child and bonded with the child in the womb. It can be easy to think that the father wouldn't feel that loss, because he had not carried the child for those 9 months. On Ethan's birthday, I had several people call to check up on me, to let me know how much they love us and Ethan. You will never know how much that means to me. Andy only had one person call him; my brother in law who managed to get to a phone and make a call from Iraq. The fact that someone had thought of him and reached out on that painful day meant so much to him. There were people who he thought would call, who didn't...I don't know if it even occurred to them or if they forgot... I'm not trying to guilt anyone. There are a lot of people who read this who are going through or who know someone who is going through a similar situation. I just wanted to say, don't forget the Daddy's. They are hurting, too.

Untitled
Written by Eileen Knight Hagemeister
to her son-in-law after his baby girl was born still

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"
He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break
And dries her tears and comforts her
But "stays strong" for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave ~
He lost his baby too. . .

Bud

My last year of high school, I went to work at The Pink Pig restaurant in Cherry Log, GA. My parents knew the owner, Bud Holloway, and agreed that I could work there. I loved working there. The money was good, especially for a teenager with no bills to pay. The customers were friendly and most knew me, even if I didn't know them...which is just life in a small town where your parents, grandparents, and even great-grandparents have lived. I often had someone tell me as they were leaving, "Tell your parents hi" or "Tell your grandparent's we said hello". I even once had someone tell me that they remembered when "Miss Emma played the piano at church." Miss Emma being my Great-Grandmother. But the best part of working there was Bud. All of "his girls" came to love Bud like a grandfather. He is quick with wit, stubborn as a mule and just the most wonderful person. He can have a quick temper, but I can't remember him ever being upset with me. I do remember once having to hold him back from throttling some jerk who told me he wanted a "pretty little waitress, nothing on her, hold the thighs." Yes, that's right. It was so vulgar I remember it word for word 15 years later. Well, that and the fact that I thought Bud was going to kill him.

Bud has just found out that he has cancer and that it is incurable. I have cried tonight until my eyes are swollen. I called him, even though it was late, so I could talk to him. I apologized for calling so late; he told me "late" wasn't until midnight. He asked if I thought I would be up for a visit anytime soon. I told him that we were coming at Thanksgiving and we would be banging on his door then. I hope that we get to see him. I feel like I am losing a beloved member of my family. I guess that's because I am.

Halloween

The boys had a great time Trick or Treating. They carried pillow cases so they could get lots of candy, but by the end of the night, Mommy was carrying both pillow cases. You know it's time to go home when the candy is too heavy to carry. :) They had just as much fun handing out the candy as they did getting it. They were handing out hand fulls. At one point, I heard a teenager exclaim, "Hey, thanks buddy!" I turned and saw both kids giving him two handfuls of candy each. I'm sure he thought he had hit the jackpot.


We had to have a pirate pumpkin.


Getting ready to go Trick-or-Treating


Going through the spoils at the end of the night

Ethan's Name in the Sand

Isn't this beautiful? This is Ethan's name in the sand in Australia. Carly and Sam Dudley started this project in memory of their son, Christian. You can visit their website at http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/. To see Ethan's name on their site, just scroll down or click on his name on the left. I "met" Carly on the MISS Foundation support forums, www.missfoundation.org. There are so many parents who have children waiting for them in heaven who I have met through this and the ivillage support site who I draw comfort from every day. You ladies are an inspiration daily and I thank you all.



This is Ethan's name at Cocoa Cocoa Beach, Fl. Sara, another lady I have met who through this, wrote his name there for me. Thank you, Sara. It is breathtakingly beautiful.

That Time of Year Again

That's right...Festival Time!! Last weekend marked the beginning of the Apple Festival in Ellijay. Although it sounds like fun again this year, inflation has caused the price of two hotdogs and two drinks to skyrocket to $16.00, so I'm kind of glad I'm missing it.

We've been busy with festivals around here, also. Last weekend, the boys and I went to Tybee Island for the Pirate Parade and Festival. This is one of the boys favorites; they love to dress up and say cool things like "Shiver me timbers, matey."

At the beginning of the parade, a pirate ship makes it's way down the street, shooting cannons. Jake thinks it's "awesome", but Will hid his eyes and then made me hold him the rest of the time.

This weekend marks the 10th annual Seafood Festival here in Richmond Hill. We went this morning and had a blast. They set up seafood booths in the Pavilion. I had to laugh ... there we were surrounded by fresh off the boat seafood, and my two boys are eating pizza and hotdogs. We then went to the fair, which my children call a carnival because that's what Dora calls it. They had a blast, riding the rides and seeing their friends. I was a little nervous to attempt it on my own, but it helps take their mind of their Daddy being gone. I just have a few more weekends to keep them busy before he will be home again for a little while.




Although we are home now and the boys are in bed, we live close enough that I can hear Charlie Daniels singing at the concert from my living room. It literally sounds like he is in my backyard. Hope that everyone else had a "festive" weekend.

October 15 ~ Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Tonight at 7:00 pm, we lit candles for all babies who are no longer with us, to honor and remember them. This remembrance is for all babies who have died due to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS or any other type of infant death. The thought is that if everyone around the world, in all the different time zones, light their candles at 7:00 then there will be a continuous wave of light throughout the day in honor of all our children. http://www.october15th.com/

There are so many people in my family, so many friends who have been touched by pregnancy and infant loss, who have been hit by miscarriage. I think that I am so obvious because my loss happened so late in my pregnancy. However, I consider all of our babies just that...babies, right from the very beginning. I have held a mother as she cried over an early miscarriage, tried to comfort over the miles through the phone. I know the devastation that a loss brings, period, no matter how early or how late in the pregnancy. Please, as you remember me and my family today, remember all the other moms that you know who holding little ones in their hearts until the precious day they can hold them in their arms.

Here is a picture of Ethan's candle.

More Pictures from Ethan's Balloon Release

Ethan's Balloon Release

My computer did not want to download the pictures, which is why I am so late posting these. We took these in Ellijay the weekend after Ethan's birthday. It is hard to put into words exactly how I felt that day, but I will try. If you read my earlier post about his birthday, you will see that I struggled with "celebrating" when he was not here with us. But I really wanted to recognize his birth and we decided that a balloon release was a perfect way to do that.

The beauty of that day to me was not in the balloons as they floated to the sky (ah, trees, lol). The beauty was what I saw when we turned the corner and started up that long hill to his gravesite. You see, there was A LOT going on that day. There was a surprise birthday party to get together, a little league football player and 4 year old cheerleader to watch, and some gardening to help with. And yet, when we turned that corner ... oh, my, what a sight. I told my sister about a month earlier that I wanted to release balloons when we were in Ellijay that weekend. She asked if she could come. When I mentioned to my cousin (who was planning a surprise birthday party for her mother that day) what I would be doing before the party, she asked if they could come. I spoke to my parents about it...they didn't ask if they could come...I don't think it was ever really a question for them that they would be there to help us honor Ethan. I texted a friend to tell her I was in town and that we would be releasing balloons... that's all, no details, no time ... and yet, I start up that long hill, and there she was. Along with so many people I had not even talked to, but there they were, supporting us. You see, I didn't have to INVITE anyone. They all came, because they love me, because they love my family and because they especially love my son who they never got to meet. How blessed am I? That's all I could think. Look at the people who love my son!!

The acknowledgement of Ethan means so much. To show that they loved him; that even if it was uncomfortable to them, even though they had to go out of their way and rearrange plans ... all I can say is Thank You. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for loving us and supporting us the way that you have. I know that there were a lot of people who live far away and didn't even know about it, but would have been there if they had (Gin). I just love you all for the support that you have shown us this year.

Halloween - Not Expecting This

Last night we drove around the neighborhood looking at Halloween lights. The house right across the street from us has one of those spooky, fake cemeteries. As we are getting out of the car, Jake asked me if Ethan was in a cemetery. I told him Ethan was in heaven, but he pressed on and asked if his body was in a cemetery. He wanted to know if it was scary, like the ones at Halloween, because "Scooby and Shaggy are ALWAYS afraid of the cemetery because there are monsters there." *sigh*

Tonight he drew a picture for Ethan and then asked me if we could have another brother. I just never thought that Halloween would make him think of Ethan, although I totally get the correlation. But here I sit, 3 hours after the boys have gone to bed, still crying because a fake cemetery reminds my boy of his brother. Just hurting tonight.

Surface Christianity

This one has been niggling at me for a few months now, but I wasn’t sure exactly how I wanted it to go. We’ll see if it makes any sense. It is kind of a ramble. When I first started thinking about it, I thought about all the times I said, “I’m praying for you” and then life just got in the way. There were times where I knew that if I didn’t say a prayer right then, I wouldn’t. Not because I wasn’t sincere or concerned, but because I would forget. It just to be easy for me to be absent minded with other people’s troubles. I have discovered that the more focused I get in this area, the more absent minded I get in others. Trust me, Andy is not at all pleased that I have lost a key that will cost us around $150 to replace. However, if I can only be diligent in one area of my life, I would much rather be “up on” my prayer life.

The more that I have thought about it, though, the more I have become convinced that “Surface Christianity” means something so much more. Someone sent me an email the other day that said, “Faith is not knowing that God can…Faith is knowing that God WILL” or something to that effect. I respectfully disagree. Faith is knowing that God can and will IF IT IS HIS WILL. Will He always answer prayers. Absolutely. Daniel 9:23 says, "As soon as you began to pray, an answer was given." Will they always be the answer we expect? No. There is a big difference in saying that faith is knowing that God will do something or that faith is knowing that God will always do what is best. Faith is trusting that God’s will for our lives is better than anything that we can ever begin to grasp. Faith is knowing that regardless of the answer, God knows what is best for our lives. Even when we don’t understand. Even when the answer is the most horrible thing that we can ever imagine to have to live through. Even when we don’t want to live through it. The reason that this means so much to me is that as Christians I think that we sometimes deceive ourselves and then are caught completely unawares. I am going to use myself as the example.

I went to church all the time. Every Sunday morning, Sunday afternoon, Wednesday (sometimes) and Thursday night, you could find me at FBC Woodlawn in Woodlawn Tenn. Not because I thought that going to church was what made me a Christian…because I WANTED to be there. I loved being where people were worshiping God. And, if you had asked, I would have said that going to church or being a Christian did not mean that “bad” things would not happen to you. I have never believed that being a Christian meant that the rest of your life would be rosy and nothing bad would befall you. But…

Here is where I deceived myself. I believed that if you prayed about something, and you gave it to God and put your faith in Him, it would be taken care of. I STILL believe that. But what it means, for me, has changed. For example, in the Army we move occasionally. (Ha!) I always worry before a move about where we are going and if our house will sell, etc. Then I will pray and truly give it to God, trusting that what happens is His will for our lives. For me, that’s not a hard thing to do. When it comes to my children, however, it is EXTREMELY difficult. Before Ethan’s death, I would pray for their safety, give them over to God and then I guess my belief was that they were safe. God would protect them. What I now know is that God never leaves their side, He is always with them. But sometimes His Will for our lives is not what we would have expected or wanted or even want to accept.

I don’t know if this makes a lick of sense.  I have this Bible verse on my refrigerator. Isaiah 30:15 “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength.” So I try and rest in the knowledge that God is always with me and trust that He is always in control.

Aunt Priscilla's Painting of Ethan

This is the painting that Aunt Priscilla did for us. We have several pictures of Ethan, but because of trauma on his little body I didn't feel comfortable displaying them out in the house. After our last visit to Blakely, I realized that Aunt Priscilla did paintings. I was so excited when she agreed to do one of Ethan. I love it and I am excited to share it with all of you now that my camera is working. This is from a picture that was taken right after Ethan's birth.

Happy Birthday, Ethan

Ethan,

Today is your birthday. I have struggled desperately with how we should, or even if we should, celebrate it. I feel that it is important that your special day is recognized. It means a lot to your brothers and to Mommy and Daddy that it is. But how should we celebrate, how can I celebrate, when you are not here with me. I celebrate more than your birth; I celebrate YOU. The fact that you were; that you existed. That although I will never understand why God took you I can take joy in knowing he created you and he let me have you for a while. I miss you with everything that is me, with everything that is in me. You are our precious third boy, our baby. Or as your Aunt Andi would say, "Our precious darling angel child." Mommy and Daddy love you and we can't wait to hold you again one day. Happy Birthday, Baby Boy.

Love,
Mommy

Ethan

Today is the day I found out that Ethan was no longer alive. Andy bought me a pedicure for our anniversary and I had scheduled it for today. I went and got a really bright, gaudy pink; something that I could concentrate on while I was in labor. Andy and his parents took the boys to Jacksonville. I was so excited to just have a day where I could relax, read a book, do whatever I wanted. I realized around lunch that I hadn't felt him move. I went and ate some food that normally had him up and jumping. When he still didn't move, I called and went to labor and delivery. The entire way there I kept telling myself they were just going to send me home while being filled with such a feeling of trepidation. The shock and immediate black hole that I fell into when the doctor told me she was sorry I cannot even begin to describe. How did this happen? This still happens? I just kept repeating that in my head over and over. I kept praying that the doctor was an idiot who just didn't know how to read the machine. This year has been difficult, with many struggles. Why did God allow this to happen? I don't know. But I do know that He had the final say and I trust in Him. There will be a day when I will hold my baby again, but this time he'll be smiling and laughing. I can't wait.

My Husband - Happy Anniversary!

It has been 9 years tomorrow. Happy Anniversary to us! There are so many reasons that I love Andy. I think back to that day when I fell headlong in love. For me, it was not love at first sight. In fact, I don't even remember meeting Andy that first time. Our first date...well, there's not much to say other than it was the worst date either of us has ever been on. It even beat the blind date I went on with Julie when I was 15 where the guy took his shoe off and tried to play footsie with me with his smelly, sweaty feet. I don't know why Andy decided to ask me on a second one. I said yes because I felt so guilty about the first date, but regardless of why he asked or why I agreed, I am so glad that it happened. I went from the (truthfully) worst date ever to the best in the space of 7 days. After we had dated for a while, I was angry about something and when he asked me what was wrong and I told him, instead of getting angry right back he sat down calmly and said, "Well, let's talk about it." I couldn't tell you what day of the week or what month that was, but that was the second I fell in love with him. This time last year, I could have told you I loved him because he is such an amazing father. I would have said that as a husband, he is uplifting, supportive and never leaves me doubting his love. That was last year. This year, after the year that we have, I know the depths of his love go further than I could ever have begun to imagine. After Ethan's death, when I could not lift myself up off the floor, this man carried me, carried our entire family and never faltered a step. I would have never made it without him. People have spoken to me of strength. This is what I know. Any strength that I have comes directly from God. But right after Ethan's death, when just breathing seemed more than I could do, God filled Andy with the strength for both of us. I am forever grateful that he took on that burden without so much as a single complaint. This man is amazing. And I am forever blessed to have him as my husband. I love you, Andy.

Ethan's Birthday

Well, this year has been the longest and shortest of my life. Isn't that a funny paradox? Ethan's one year birthday is coming up on August 19. I have been dreading it for so long, dreading the feelings that will be associated with it. And now, it seems to have just crept up on me. I am both peaceful and absolutely manic about it, about the way that I feel. I want to do something really special to honor him at the same time that I want to bury my head in the sand and just sleep the entire day, pretend it doesn't exist. I have had several people ask me what we want to do because they want to honor him and celebrate him with us as well. I've heard many wonderful suggestions, from balloon releases to buying a star in his name. We have thought about it and we want to do something that will not only honor him, but help other families who are going through a pregnancy or infant loss. Which is why we chose Share Atlanta. There is actually a link on the side to their website. Share Atlanta does many things for parents in our situation. They donate blankets, booties, teddy bears, etc to area hospitals so that anyone who enters a hospital pregnant does not leave empty handed. Granted, leaving with a memory box or a teddy bear in no way compensates having to leave your child behind. However, I can tell you from experience how much I treasure our memory box and how often I have cradled Ethan's bear, especially in the beginning when my arms were so empty they ached. They also have seminars where they work with health care providers going over the needs of mothers who are delivering a baby that they know will be stillborn. This is so important...the little things can so often be overlooked. For instance, I spent two hours alone in a labor room after learning that Ethan had died surrounded by walls filled with pictures of mother's holding newborns. Not fun. Another reason we chose Share Atlanta is because Marcia, the founder, was one of the co-authors of the No Heartbeat Act. That bill is so important for us moms of stillborns, and in helping to get it passed she became someone I call a friend. It is so difficult to put yourself out there, exposing all of your own emotions just to help others after going through this loss. The fact that she has done so much, created an organization that has done so much....I just find it courageous and amazing and want to support her efforts in any way that I can.

So, if you are someone who would have bought Ethan a birthday present had he lived or if you would just like to honor him with us, be it with five dollars or 15 dollars, first of all, thank you. I can't tell you how much it means. Here is how you can donate to Share Atlanta.

You can send the donation directly to the following address and make the check out
to: SHARE Atlanta, Inc. It is tax-deductible.


SHARE Atlanta's Treasurer
Pam Slayback
577 Greenwood Ave.NE
Atlanta, Ga 30308
404-892-0695

Love,
Allie